Bounce Back from Stress

THE CIVITAN RESILIENCE IDEAS: "I HAVE, I AM, I CAN"

Keywords: bounce back, resilience, overcome stress, keep on with life, emotional support, parent guidance, adult guidance, Grotberg, love, optimist, responsibility, seek support, find help, solve problems

Resilience is the ability to overcome stress and keep on with daily life. What do I mean by "stress"? The best way to understand stress is to see the words we use for causes of stress, or stressors. You can read a partial list of stress terms on the page of this site titled "Help! Stress Ahead!"

Now take a look at the items in this list of resilience abilities. Those abilities help kids or adults to overcome stress.

Use this page on the Civitan List

• For a fast look at what we mean by resilience (to cope with stresses and crises in a resilient way, kids should have most of the traits described in the list)
• To learn what people in many countries say their kids need in order to be resilient
• To help kids to handle stress better by developing those resilient traits, abilities, and supports

Background of the Civitan List

The Civitan International Research Center at the University of Alabama asked parents and older kids in thirty countries:

What do kids need in order to cope with stress and hardship?

The group then put together the answers they got from fourteen of those countries: Lithuania, Russia, Costa Rica, Czech Republic, Brazil, Thailand, Vietnam, Hungary, Taiwan, Namibia, Sudan, Canada, South Africa, and Japan.

What's useful in this study? The list is short, the ideas are clear. The concepts come from a wide range of counties.

The group reports their ideas this way. A child or teen who's coping well should be able to say the things in the lists below (I've adapted some items and added a few):

What a Resilient Child Ought to be Able to Say

I HAVE (repeat the words I HAVE at the start of each item)

• People around me I trust. They love me, no matter what.
• People who set limits (make rules) for me so I know when to stop before there is danger or trouble
• People who show me how to do things right, by the way they do things
• People who want me to learn to do things on my own
• People who help me when I am sick, in danger or need to learn. (Kids need to be protected by health, education, welfare, and legal services.)

I added these next items. Professor Edith Grotberg, leader of the study, mentions similar additional items to these:

I HAVE

• Been lucky and not had many bad things happen to me, or if bad things have occurred, the item reads:
• I HAVE gotten stronger by going through bad times
  I also added this item:
• A faith that helps me go through bad times and still feel OK

Grotberg writes: "The child feels a sense of right and wrong, believes right will win, and wants to contribute to this. The child has confidence and faith in morality and goodness, and may express this as a belief in God or higher spiritual being."

Why Do These Things Matter?

These I HAVE items describe kids who live with caring, firm, adults. The adults teach independence but don't leave kids too much on their own. The adults teach kids right from wrong. They praise and thank them for doing the right thing. When kids break a rule, the punishment is fair and not harmful. Parents or teachers don't beat the kids, call them bad names, or swear at them. No one else is allowed to harm the child. (Studies in many cultures show that praise works better for most kids than punishment.)

How Can You Support These Qualities

Farther below (in the book, not in this sample), I've copied all of the items into a table. See the table for ideas on how to support these strengths.

Here is the next section of the Civitan lists:

What a Resilient Child Ought to be Able to Say (continued)

I AM

• A person people can like and love
• Glad to do nice things for others and show my concern
• Respectful of myself and others
• Willing to be responsible for what I do
• Sure things will be all right

These items cover self-esteem, the feeling that one is OK, worthy, and lovable. The list also reflects a hopeful outlook. The items describe a bond with the family and community.

What a Resilient Child Ought to be Able to Say (last section)

I CAN

• Talk to others about things that frighten me or bother me
• Find ways to solve problems that I face
• Control myself when I feel like doing something not right or dangerous
• Figure out when it is a good time to talk to someone or to take action
• Find someone to help me when I need it

I would add:

I CAN

• Gain support and strength from my religious faith, core beliefs, or spiritual values (in some families, these values may not stem from religious beliefs)
  Child wording: In bad times I CAN trust in God, or trust my beliefs
• Get relief from stress through various activities, hobbies, etc.
  Child wording: I CAN forget my troubles by doing things I enjoy (such as sports, art, music, hobbies)

These items describe youths who know themselves. They know that they can handle some troubles themselves. They know if they are active, impulsive, and risk-taking, or quiet, thoughtful, and cautious. They know when to ask for help and when to wait for a better time. For example, if the parent is tired or angry about something, the kid won't bother them just then.

Many kids don't reach this level until their late teens, if ever. Some of the adults in your life may still lack some of these "I CAN" abilities. You may need to improve some of those abilities in yourself!

Summary: What Do We Learn About a Child From the Civitan Lists?

I've said above that the I HAVE group reflects love, caring and support from a parent or another adult. Those parents let kids think for themselves if they can. The I HAVE items describe a supportive family, or other adults who take the place of family.

To this section I added good luck and skill at coping when luck runs out. Sad to say, some kids and families have rotten luck. Nobody should have to face the disasters, illnesses, unfair treatment, and the other traumas that these families struggle to master--the events that appear in newspapers every day.

The second group, I AM, describes confidence, hope, and self-respect. The youth not only has a loving supportive parent, but also feels loved and worthy of that love. These kids are also helpful: most parents and teachers would all like their kids to say that they are: "glad to do nice things for others and show my concern."

The I CAN section outlines other strengths: to express and control feelings; solve problems; ask others for help.

What's Missing from These Lists?

None of the lists include courage and aggression in a crisis: for example, defending yourself, fighting for what you believe. Sometimes a youth needs fight their way to safety on their own. They may need to defend themselves when no one is there to help them. Those abilities would probably show up in a list made by men. I assume that most of the adults taking the Civitan survey were probably female.

One of the people directing the study wrote:

 ...  each reader [should] take what he or she can from this Guide and adapt it to the people, the setting and the culture. [all] children should feel loved and lovable, should be respectful and responsible, and should know who they can approach in times of need. ... [we] found that most parents and caregivers do not know about resilience or how to promote it in children. (Bold type added) Thus, too many adults [don't support] resilience, leaving countless children feeling helpless, sad and unloved.

Grotberg adds that they didn't talk to enough people in each country. If they had, they could write more about the differences between countries. She notes:

• Some cultures rely more on faith than on problem solving in facing adversity [and stress]
• Some cultures are more concerned with punishment and guilt while others [promote] discipline and [making peace]
• Some cultures expect children to be more dependent on others for help ... rather than becoming ... self-reliant
• The parents in some countries maintain a close relationship with their children while others "cut off" their children at about age five. The resilient children manage this kind of rejection; non-resilient children withdraw, submit and are depressed

This completes the survey of the Civitan project. I have left out many of Professor Grotberg's other valuable comments. (You can read more at http://www.resilnet.uiuc.edu/library/grotb95b.html.)

Any family that provides most of the supports on these lists can feel proud of its accomplishments. There is a female slant to the items, but consider the death and destruction brought about by men making war ... can we men really recommend raising kids--even boys--more in our own image? (Chapters 2 and 3 of the book, Stressed Family, Strong Family, do include items on constructive aggression, and cover many other traits not included in the Civitan lists.)