Don't Ride Vicious Cycles

Note: This was intended as a post on Facebook. It was much too long to post there, but may be useful as a quick introduction to the ideas in this section of the website. You will find the original website below this post.

Most of us get stuck occasionally in cycles -- behavior patterns that can repeat endlessly. For example, a one partner shirks chores (or procrastinates), the other nags. The nag says, "If (partner) would do the chore the first time I ask, I wouldn't need to nag. The procrasinator may admit that he or she resents the nagging and would probably do things more quickly if not nagged.

We can write the cycle as: nag --> shirk --> nag --> shirk.

Or we can with equal accuracy we can write: shirk --> nag --> shirk --> nag.

It's actually an endless loop that can start with either nagging or shirking.

Another common tangle:

Father criticizes child --> mother defends child --> father criticizes mother for not backing him --> mother criticizes father for being too harsh.

(The child may sometimes trigger the cycle by misbehaving, due to resentment of father's criticism...)

Often, each blames the other for starting "it " (whatever their cycle might be.) The one who "started it" is the one to blame.

But that all-too-human tendency to blame is the key to the problem!

The Key: Blame the Cycle,

not One Another

Once a cycle has been going on for  a while, a neutral observer will see that neither party is to blame. The cycle feeds on itself!

Really?

Yes.

The cycle feeds on itself?

Amazing! No one is really at fault!

The key to untangling: blame the cycle.

Don't blame the other.

Don't blame yourself.

Don't get into arguments about "who started it." That's just another way to blame the starter for "causing" the cycle.

Suggestions That Might Help

1. Write down the steps in the cycle.

2. Explain to the other(s) involved that you want to learn to blame the cycle, not those caught up in it. See if the other person or persons see the cycle the same way you do.

3. If the other is willing, agree that either of you can say, "Hey, we're getting into that cycle again. Let's take a break and cool down. See if we can find a way to settle this without blaming or getting caught in the cycle."

4. Don't be discouraged if the cycle doesn't get better right away.  Change takes time.

5. If you aren't sure your efforts will work or are working, seek help from a counselor, or other trusted person.

6. Note the next section of precautions.

Situations Where These Ideas Probably Won't Work Without Professional Help

1. Emotional illness: depression, anxiety attacks, schizophrenia and others

2. Drug or alcohol abuse or dependency

3. The other person's inability or unwillingness to try to change the pattern, or inability to agree that a pattern exists

4. Problems involving suicidal or homicidal threats or attempts

5. Problems involving longstanding patterns, imminent separation or divorce

6. Cycles involving in-laws (grandparent generation) who can't see the pattern or aren't able to change

7. Other conditions I haven't thought of.

That's the end of the too-long Facebook post. The remainder of this section amplifies these ideas and others. The remainder was written before the above, and I have not removed any redundancies or inconsistencies.

Reduce Stress. Recycle Your Family

RECYCLE, BUT NOT INTO A TRASH CAN!

Keywords: stress, family stress, reduce stress, vicious cycle, bad family pattern, love, support, empathy, nag, chores, responsibility, frustration, anger, despair, blame, praise, thank, scapegoat

Of course when I call this chapter "Recycle Your Family!" I don't mean that you should throw them out with the trash. I mean that your family--like most--probably needs some help in creating positive cycles. Those are cycles of love, support, and growth.

So a better title for this chapter would be "Replace Vicious Cycles with Cycles of Love, Support, and Growth."

I want to write in this chapter about good feelings and positive cycles. But we need also to look at some painful cycles. Why? Because most books about problems don't have much to say about cycles.

And vicious cycles can cause enormous stress. We have just looked at stress reactions and family coping in the previous chapter. Now we can look at vicious cycles as one of the causes of stress. To support positive cycles may require a family to conquer some negative ones first.

WHAT IS A CYCLE?

But what do I mean by a "cycle?"

A cycle is a back-and-forth pattern: two or more people say or do almost the same things each time the cycle starts. Many families have a mixture of both positive and negative cycles.

Positive cycles

In a positive cycle, each person does or says something that makes the other feel better. Consider something as simple as saying thanks to a child for doing a chore. That can make most kids more willing to do that chore again. More thanks next time keeps this positive cycle going.

Some supportive and loving cycles go on without words. A hug, a pat on the back can be the positive step. That lets the other person know you feel grateful.

If we wrote down the cycle we would write:

• Thanking or hugging the child
• Makes the child more willing to do chores,
• Which gives the parent more to thank or hug the child for,
• Which makes the child more willing to do chores, etc.

Positive cycles support strengths. Praise makes most kids feel good. It makes them want to do more. And the more they do, the more the parent (or teacher) can find to praise them for.

This is the core idea of this section. You need to find ways to support strengths, to set up a positive cycle between praise and strengths. Praise is a reward that "costs" nothing to give.

But parents raised on negative cycles have trouble praising and rewarding their own kids' strengths.

If only all families could enjoy this positive core cycle, and all the rewards that follow! But they don't. Many parents grew up never getting praise from their parents. All they ever got was criticism, complaints, harsh words, insults, threats, misery, punishment, and abuse. They may still be getting hurt by their parents, even as adults with kids of their own. If they work for a boss, he or she may never praise them, repeating the pattern of their childhood.

No wonder they have trouble praising and encouraging their own kids.

If that's you, you need to find someone, somewhere, who can praise you for your strengths. Get the book I've mentioned before, Feeling Good, by David Burns. That book can help you quit thinking bad things about yourself and can improve your mood, especially if you get depressed.

You may know some people who gain strength and encouragement from religion. Would that work for you? Some people go back to the religion they left. Others seek a new path. Even if you felt turned off by your first religion, you might find a new one that fits you better. (I write that with due respect to those who remain satisfied with their first faith.)

An Example of a Vicious Cycle: Nagging/Shirking

Here's an example of one of those vicious cycles A parent reminds a kid to do a chore. (Or one spouse reminds the other.) "Take out the trash." The kid ignores the parent, or says: "In a minute." When the parent reminds the kid, to the kid, reminding is "nagging" or "bugging." The more the kid avoids the task, which we could call, "shirking" or "avoiding" or "not taking responsibility," the more the parent nags.

We can write an endless list of this pair of actions stretching over months or years: nagging, shirking, nagging, shirking...on and on.

Or we could write shirking first: shirking, nagging, shirking, nagging...

It doesn't really make much difference after a while who started the pattern that particular day. Either person can start the cycle. The other person then thinks that the starter is to blame. The nagger says, or feels, "It's his fault because if he did it right away--didn't shirk--I wouldn't have to nag." The shirker says, or feels, "It's her fault  because she nags me all the time. If she didn't nag, I would do it without being reminded."

What Happens in Negative, or Vicious Cycles

So you can see that in a negative cycle, one person says or does something that bothers, frightens, hurts, or annoys another. The other person then says something that bothers the first one. They start to do whatever they usually do or say in this cycle.

Then the first person comes back with another remark. Then the second has another turn. Round and round they go, with the same old arguments and accusations each time.

But these two people don't see that the problem is a cycle--a vicious cycle--in which each person always plays the same part, time after time. A cycle can involve two adults, two kids, or an adult and a kid. Sometimes a third or even a fourth person gets sucked in on one side or another..

As you just saw, people focus on the other person's part as causing the cycle. They don't see how their own behavior keeps the cycle going, or even starts it. They blame the other for causing the trouble. But that other person is blaming us at the same time as we are blaming him.

But after a few weeks or months of repeated cycles, either person may start it. They don't intend to start a vicious cycle. But the cycle gets going anyway.

For example, the one who doesn't do chores may skip a chore. The nagger then says something like: "You're always skipping this chore, how can I get you to remember?"

The "chore skipper" says, "If you didn't nag me all the time, I'd do the chores."

Each blames the other for starting the cycle.

Then it runs in its usual painful course until it ends in frustration, anger, despair, a physical fight, or someone storming out. Some people make peace and apologize, the first step toward conquering the cycle.

I've said people blame the other person for starting the trouble. But some people blame themselves instead of seeing the cycle. The feel like they are always messing up in the relationship, getting angry too soon, not being loving enough, or whatever their self-blame words might be.

Whether you blame the other or yourself, you're missing the point. The cycle is the point.

 Somw Other Vicious Cycles

Child whines, parent gives in, which makes child more likely to whine next time

One person blames, other blames back: It's your fault! No, it's yours!

Parents disagree, son or daughter caught in the middle

Child abuse feeds anger and rebellion, which leads to more abuse

Scapegoating: one child blamed for all family problems, leading to anger and problem behavior

 

POSITIVE CYCLES AND FAMILY STRENGTHS

Let's turn away from painful cycles and take a look at our goal: positive cycles of love and acceptance. I want you and your children to enjoy and support each other's strengths--not get trapped in vicious cycles. As parents support strengths, kids reward parents with affection.

Many kids can give parents, and each other, their own unique type of support. Granted, most kids fight, the way my brother and I did. But we still grew up loving each other. And we usually did chores without being nagged, because Mom was not a nagger.

You can learn to let go of your part in a nagging cycle, using some of the methods we consider below. As you get free of the negative, keep looking for small things to appreciate. This can be enough to change the feelings between you and your child. Some parents need to learn how to praise and thank kids for even those small things. Talk with a friend about how to do this. Watch other parents. Praising can be hard if you grew up in a family that never praised or thanked anyone. But you can learn

If you have a partner, quit nagging and start praising him or her. You may get some strange looks at first. You may need to keep saying positive things at first without seeing any change in your child, pupil, or partner. Usually they won't thank you, or do much to reward your efforts. Don't give up. You may need months of effort to reverse years of a bad cycle.

Whatever the cycle, if you can begin to see it as a cycle, you've taken the first step. You can control your part. Even if you have a habit of years of yelling, threatening, or scapegoating, you can learn better ways. Therapists help people with those problems all the time. So do friends, neighbors, pastoral counselors--and books like this. If one counselor does not work out, try another. If this book doesn't help, see what else you can find in bookstores, libraries, and the Internet.

Before we go on to some more vicious cycles here's an idea about love I find helpful.

LOVE IS A POLICY, NOT JUST A FEELING!

NOTE: This section repeats, in slightly different words, what I wrote in Chapter 4.

Positive cycles run on love.

We make a serious mistake if we think of love only as a feeling. Instead, consider love as a policy. That sounds strange: love as a policy. What does that mean?

A policy of love means supporting the other's healthy goals. If you have a policy of love, you do what you can to help the other person reach those goals. You help them grow up into a resilient, positive person. You help them toward their goals in whatever way you can. You can give them encouragement, advice, praise, appreciation, or money,.

A policy continues over time. A feeling can change over time. The love you first felt for your partner may fade. Conflicts may dim the affection, at least at the time they're going on. Children can both stress and bless a partnership.

(I realize that some people pair up or marry without feeling much affection for each other. But even in that situation, you need some kind of policy between the two of you. Read on and see if this makes sense.)

And parents will sometimes have a hard time feeling love for one or another of their kids. Sometimes a parent has never felt love for a kid. But they can still follow the policy of love, helping the other reach their goals.

Maybe you didn't know what to do when your feelings of love changed. Stress and conflicts began to dim that initial thrill, rush, wave of affection, or whatever you felt. You may have felt as though love must have disappeared.

But if you also think of love as a policy, then you've added several other strands to the bonds between you and your partner, you and your child, or you and your pupil.

More about the policy aspect of love

A policy of love means supporting the other's constructive hopes and dreams. A policy means settling arguments peaceably. Not using threats, not hiding inside a shell. Building a bond through honesty and fairness. Especially, giving the other person's needs equal attention and effort to your own.

You can look at the list of strengths in the next chapter and find abilities to support. You can find those abilities even in a child you don't feel a lot of love for. When you support abilities and strengths, you're following a policy of love.

To repeat: the policy part of loving someone means supporting their healthy efforts to reach good goals. Their goals may differ from yours. But as long as the other's goals are positive, not harmful to the person or anyone else, you do all you can to help.

If adult partners have a policy of love, then any fading of the original romantic feelings does not mean that love is fading, or that anything is necessarily wrong. It means that you and your partner have entered a different phase. You can continue to strengthen the policy of love. Some marriage vows say that the policy will last "as long as you both shall live."

Countries have a foreign policy, the way they deal with other countries. Couples also need a supportive "foreign policy" toward one another: Help your partner reach healthy goals. This may sound impossible if you're locked in one of the negative cycles. But if you get free of the cycle, the policy will become vital.

And the same applies to the bonds between parents and children. Your feelings will change as they grow up, but you continue putting their needs on a par with your own. That's the policy--and the challenge--of love.

Your partner, if this is a true policy, will do the same for you.

If you have trouble seeing love as a policy

People who didn't get love in childhood may not see this policy aspect. They may have needed to put themselves first in order to survive. They may have needed to shut out other people who acted in destructive ways. Me first may have become their motto.

But this is not the way to build a lasting relationship. They may have to learn first from a therapist how to see another person's needs. The therapist sets an example. Therapists put the patient's constructive needs on a par with the therapist's own. This gives the patient a new idea of how to be a partner.

You can start by learning to appreciate your own strengths. Although the next chapter describes the strengths of kids, you can find many adult equivalents as you read through.

After you appreciate your own strengths, you can see kids' abilities more clearly.

I realize that some cultures give the man most, or all, of the power and the leadership roll in the pair. Couples from those cultures will not be able to follow the advice here without un-learning the roles of their culture. That can be difficult or impossible unless the man sees the need for more equality in the marriage.